How often do you find yourself thinking that reading any discussion on the forum, you still do not dare to join the discussion? Fear of expressing your point of view, sharing your opinion or asking a painful question seems to leave you “behind the scenes” of a vibrant and interesting life. As a rule, after this uncertainty comes a feeling of dissatisfaction: "I am somehow not like that."
Fear of evaluation by other people can be expressed in the following thoughts and ideas:
- I am surrounded by smart and interesting people, and I will get in with my statement and interrupt an interesting conversation. I will say stupid things, they will ridicule me and I will burn with shame. Like in the movie: “Gentlemen! who let him in here ?! ”
- What if I write such nonsense that others will think: “What a stupid person! How could SUCH be written at all ?! ” And then I understand that I really wrote nonsense. Not people did not understand me, but I do not know basic things. It turns out I'm not OK, I'm worthless.
“I cannot clearly explain what I mean.” I will express myself, but people will understand incorrectly and will laugh at me. If they knew that I actually meant something else, then they would understand that I am smart. But I do not have enough knowledge and vocabulary to correctly and clearly formulate my idea. I'm afraid to run into this, because then it will mean that I can’t even connect two words. So I'm stupid and worthless.
- I'm afraid that in response to my statement, the opponent will express his opinion, which will differ from mine. I will have to defend my point of view so as not to look like an idiot. My knowledge is insufficient, and the opponent’s arguments are more convincing. Then I will be stupid and worthless. And the whole Internet will know about it.
- The author of the post will add fuel to the fire by answering my question: “I wrote about this yesterday / in that article / re-read it / the whole Internet already knows about it, one you-no! / This community is for more intelligent people than you .
Faced with the fear of depreciation, a person does not dare to ask, express his opinion and remains one-on-one with the thought that he does not have his own point of view.
Fear of speaking out publicly does not mean that something is wrong with you. We live in a society and want to be appreciated and respected, for others to accept us. To speak out publicly means to go out in front of society. The expression of one’s point of view is subconsciously perceived as a person’s struggle against his own species (I am on the one hand, and all of humanity on the other.). A man distinguishes himself from the group and remains alone, he contrasts himself with the group. This is alarming, because at this moment the unconscious is faced with one who has no one to rely on, only on himself.
How to stop being afraid?
In fact, this is very difficult. There are only a few people who are capable of overcoming this problem on their own, because the very nature of fear is natural and the fight against such fear is a fight against oneself. Sometimes people realize that they need support, they need a guide. Turning to a psychologist does not mean that you are weak, that you are a failure. On the contrary, this is a rather serious step, it means that you have decided to curb your fear.
For independent work with uncertainty, you can take into service the following:
- You need to see the value in yourself. Become valuable to yourself. If you are aware of your value, feel it, then the opinion of society will be called into question.
- Regular practice also helps deal with fear by discounting. It’s good to try to talk about your position to begin with in a safe circle: among close friends, acquaintances. Try to learn how to express your true thoughts, such as come to your mind, not evaluating yourself from the position of another. If in response you feel that at that moment others are looking down on you, laughing at you, consider your argument stupid, clarify your doubt. In a trusted circle, this can be done safely. Ask your friend or acquaintance, how is your opinion? And you will get a good feedback that can strengthen your faith in yourself. If a friend says that your thought is not very close to him and he does not agree with her, find out why. This will give you the opportunity to understand that it is not in you, but perhaps in his own view of the situation.
- Remember that the opponent is as scared as you.
Article published in my group in VK Article in my group in VK
Many people, as it turned out, do not understand the difference between "you are wrong" and "I do not agree."
“You are wrong” and “I do not agree” - this is both an internal position and a reflection of the worldview of specific people, how they think, from which point they look at the world.
“You are wrong” is about such a point: there is some kind of right opinion (the way of dressing, way of life, etc) and the wrong one, I have exactly the right one, and if the opponent thinks (sees, speaks out) differently, it means “you don’t they are right ”,“ you are mistaken, everything is not so, that’s how I say and I think it’s appropriate, correct and true. ”
“I do not agree” is about a completely different understanding of the world: there is no objective reality (any reality is subjective), there is no only right and wrong, there are opinions, tastes, interests, passions, experience, they are all different, there is a right FOR ME, and at the same time, I understand that the other has his own right. This is called a value system. People find each other just like that - by similar value systems.
Silent voice method
This method is used when they want to express their opinion, but no pause is foreseen in the discussion. As soon as someone finishes speaking, ask firmly, but without aggression: “Can I tell you?” Methods of persuasion and argumentation
If others ignore your question, repeat it, even if you have to kill someone.
Ask him louder and louder until the conversations stop and people listen to your opinion. Of course, this will require a fair amount of courage, but it guarantees you an attentive audience. It’s important not to fall into the trap of opinions when you impose your opinion on yourself too self-confidently, regardless of whether those around you want to listen or not.
Usually those people fall into such a trap, whose views are often interested, so they think that they should always speak out for any reason.
The opinion trap also arises when people share problems with you, and you sincerely believe that a person is really asking for your advice. In fact, a person just wants to share his thoughts, talk out, and not at all deal with an immediate solution to the problem.
In order to firmly stand your ground and express your opinion about what is really important to you, not only courage and self-control is necessary, but also the ability to exert a strong and memorable impact on others.
“You do not like my principles? I have others, ”actor Grucho Marx joked, and, in fact, many people like it. Faced with criticism, rejection or hostility, ordinary people immediately give up their positions. Instead of venturing into conflict, they are indignantly silent or, even worse, refuse to express their opinion.
A strong personal impact depends on the willingness to firmly uphold one’s beliefs, even at the risk of encountering resistance.
Unless, of course, you intend to fight with your opponent, it is better to avoid fierce disputes. Instead, simply uphold the right to remain of one’s opinion or to adhere to certain values, requiring others to respect this.
In order to express your opinion and firmly stand your ground, show respect for the opponent, instead of humiliating him. Use the following phrases.
• "I understood your idea, but it seems to me a little different."
• “I understand that you do not agree, but I would also like my views to be taken seriously.”
• "As I see it, you do not intend to give in, and so do I."
• “This is one look at the situation. I stick to the other. ”
• "For me it is especially important that ..."
To express your opinion and to defend your point of view is risky, especially when no one is going to support you, but this should not confuse you. As soon as people are convinced of your readiness to stand their ground, many of them will take your side.
Take other points of view in order to express your opinion correctly. There is something attractive in a person with clear views that does not impose them on anyone, trying to "convert to their faith."
Strengthen your personal influence by boldly listening to alternative points of view and not taking a defensive position.
The ability to be sure
When a confident person begins to speak, his personal impact on other people immediately becomes apparent.
Confidence is power: the power to influence people's thoughts, feelings and behavior. Show it, and you will have more chances to influence others exactly as you need.
Confidence means that you are confident in certain situations, but not always. Confidence is most closely associated with interpersonal communication, where it directly affects the impact of your verbal and non-verbal behavior. Secrets of Confidence
Sometimes there is a mismatch between the person’s internal confidence and the external that he manifests in people. For example, even the best theater actors admit that they experience internal doubts and insecurity while working on an important role, but as soon as they appear on the stage, none of the audience notices this. Gestures of confidence
But most often, internal confidence is closely related to external. As one commentator put it: “If you consider yourself a confident person, then you are really confident, and if you consider yourself insecure, even if you are really a confident person, then you are insecure.”
Confidence helps you not only to express your opinion, but also to defend it, and it also increases the chances of being heard.
Confidence arises thanks to practice and experience that develop new abilities, and those, in turn, allow a person to become more confident in himself:
How to express your opinion? Follow these tips:
- Your posture should be open, showing that you are ready to express your opinion and to defend it.
- work out a pleasant voice by changing it so that it reflects your firmness and confidence. How to make decisions confidently?
- use open-ended questions to engage others in the conversation and avoid limited closed-ended questions,
- directly contact your interlocutor - not in an accusatory form, but showing attention to him and focusing on him. For example: “Do you agree with my opinion?”, “What do you think about this?” Temperament dossier
- When expressing your opinion on any issue, avoid words that speak of your weakness: do not use expressions that reflect your doubts, make you a victim, or indicate excessive self-criticism.
- Be active in communication and be prepared to listen to the opposite opinion. Developing a sense of humor
- Look into people's eyes and maintain eye contact to show the person: "I am confident in myself and interested in your opinion."
These are simple methods, but with good practice, they will not only allow you to show confidence in communication, but also strengthen your internal confidence when you want to express your opinion.
When the word is gold
There is such a saying, "the word is silver, silence is gold."
At school, in the kindergarten, at the institute and at work, we are taught to be polite, tactful and modest, they urge us to obey our elders and not to quarrel with superiors.
However, the constant disregard for their legitimate natural desires can lead to the fact that others will soon cease to notice your existence at all, and even more so to reckon with opinions. You must admit that nobody will be considered what is not in nature. Or even worse: in a healthy society, one way or another, the laws of evolution apply: that is, stronger individuals try to subjugate the weak and use them.
Therefore, silence is gold, but only if it is appropriate and does not violate anyone’s rights. A word can also be golden. It is enough to recall the Danish fairy tale “The New Dress of the King”, where a mischievous child voiced the secret opinion of the people, showing an example to adults, which means to have their own opinion.
Expressing our own opinion, we release our “inner steam”, because constantly keeping feelings in ourselves, accumulating resentment is harmful to health and can cause serious mental disorders.
How to express your own opinion: the causes of fear and ways to overcome it
The reason for the fear of objecting to the interlocutor or openly expressing a point of view lies in the insecurity that generates low self-esteem. Usually these are people who grew up in a family where they did not take their opinions into account, who depend on the opinions of people and are constantly afraid of a negative assessment of their actions. What can you advise them? It is easier to look at the world, fight with complexes and learn one truth: society has not yet come up with another way to change the world around for the better. Humanity would never have made such progress if it had continued to be afraid of its own opinion.
The times of the Middle Ages are gone, but the fear of speaking out remains. With the advent of democracy, to express one’s point of view, to be able to defend one’s personal position has become prestigious, associated with the sign of a strong-willed person, a real person.
If you feel the need to speak out, first of all - wait for the right moment. Remember: no one will listen to you if you have nothing to say, if you are simply trying in any way to draw attention to yourself.
There are communication rules that will help you speak out without serious negative consequences:
express your thoughts clearly and clearly: the practice of conversations, reading books, keeping a diary, special trainings will help to formulate them correctly
try to analyze situations more often, conduct an internal dialogue with you, mentally argue your personal opinion with imaginary opponents,
practice doing it with those whom you are least afraid of - younger relatives, friends, try to argue with them just for fun,
participate in discussions, during disputes look for like-minded people - support will give you strength and confidence,
if it’s very difficult to get started, watch others do it, sometimes imitate them. Then, unnoticed by yourself, you will enter a new role, literally become infected with confidence, and this will help to achieve the desired results,
always behave with others calmly and restrained, there is no need to worry - in the end, who will suffer because you say "I think"? Everyone has the right to vote, and you, including.
Any point of view is preceded by knowledge, experience or justification. To have one’s own opinion does not mean to say everything that has gotten into one’s head.
Psychologists note the following pattern: the more confident a person becomes, the worse they behave: they criticize others and sometimes even be rude. And the opposite is the situation: the friendlier the person, the less self-confidence.
In the first case, you run the risk of making enemies, in the second - parasite friends and fellow exploiters, who will use you if possible.
A vivid example of this is the main character of the Gorky play “Woe from Wit” Chatsky. The desire to impose personal opinion on society, even if correct, led to the rejection of others, misunderstanding and loneliness. Try not to make blunders when communicating with people; let your confidence not turn into arrogance.
actively impose personal opinions on others,
listen only to yourself and do not respect the opinion of the interlocutor,
interrupt the interlocutor or intimidate him,
screaming, letting negative emotions control you,
to prove the truth to those who do not respect you and people with inadequate psyche,
express your opinion in a timid, quiet voice,
be silent when they are interested in your opinion.
Psychologists advise adhering to the rules of the golden mean, cultivating in themselves two qualities at the same time: a friendly attitude towards others and self-confidence. Then there will be no problems with communication, and expressing your opinion will become easy and simple.